Why Gay Dating is a Disappointment

/ Matt

I don’t know if I will ever get the hang of the dating game.

I’m definitely getting better at handling the feelings of rejection and lonliness when something doesn’t work out. Unfortunately its something that I’ve experienced a lot of, the feelings don’t go away but I can control the way I handle and react to these feelings. It’s all part of my journey I guess.

gay, lgbt, unhappy, relationshipRecently a potential relationship didn’t work out and I was hit with this wave of disappointment because I really thought this one was going to work out. We clicked really quickly and everything just worked. Until it didn’t, it wasn’t anyone’s fault (except it was his, because he wasn’t ready for a boyfriend). I’m not bitter about it (I am a little). But as Alyssa Edwards said on Drag Race ‘Don’t get bitter, just get better.’

So what I’m choosing to get better at is processing the feelings of disappointment and rejection that follow on from one of these situations. If I’m honest with myself I was more upset by the fact another potential relationship failed than the failure with this particular person. I think this stems from how hard I find it to meet guys who I’m compatible with.

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A gay man living in a hookup culture world with wants and needs that won’t be met by a quickie, it’s hard to find guys that I’m attracted to who want the same things. Maybe that’s the age bracket I’m in (Mid 20’s) or maybe its the scene here in Brisbane, I find it hard to meet guys organically, outside of a gay club which is not the ideal place for a meaningful connection.

The other option is apps, I’ve definitely had more success with Tinder than Grindr, but still the conversations lean towards sexual rather than romantic. Maybe its time to pay for a proper dating site, but I don’t know if there are actually many guys my age on true dating sites. I don’t have a type, but I try to stick to 30 and under, not because I’m ageist, but because whenever I’ve dated men over 30 we’ve struggled to find commonality as we’re usually in very different points of our lives.

If anyone has any advice for meeting guys organically outside of a club I’d love to hear about it in the comments. 5 dating rules for gay men & 12 first date ideas

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12 thoughts on “Why Gay Dating is a Disappointment”

  1. Dating in general is a disappointment. It seems in this day and age that’s all people want. Maybe instead of trying to find love, let love find you. Though I’m not in the area, I did a quick search and saw the site Meetup.com. I don’t use it, though I might now that I found it, but maybe you could look up some groups that you like, or maybe make your own, and start meeting guys that way. You have a better chance of finding someone doing things you love to do than going to the club where 9 times out of 10 all they want is a hook up.

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  2. It is a difficult when you are looking for substance. I have just been through a breakup from a LTR of 7 years because I discovered he had been cheating for years. I didn’t think I would ever have to be back in the game. I am navigating a couple of apps and one of the things I have found is that if I am very clear that I am just looking for friends, I am actually finding a better quality of people. I am in Brisbane too so I know what is out there lol. I agree that meetup.com is actually pretty good. I also just remind myself that from research I saw a while ago 90% of men don’t use apps and even though they are harder to find, they do appear eventually. Stay positive and maybe like “iisthehananana” says let it find you. As frustrating as it can be to wait, it does seem to happen when you least expect it.

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    • Hey Stephen, I think you’re the first person actually from Brisbane to view my blog, thanks for stopping by!
      I feel for you having to start over again after 7 years, but good on you for staying positive.

      I just wish there were more organic ways to meet guys in Brisbane besides Sporties, The Beat or the Wickham. Also I have absolutely no interest in joining the Tritons or the Hustlers haha.

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      • I think generally (not in all cases but generally) gay venues are definitely not the place to meet people. As you have already mentioned people at venues are generally looking for hookups. Unfortunately meeting someone organically means being patient. It’s also about being very careful not to give the wrong impression of the type of person you are. You obviously are genuine and looking for something meaningful so it’s important that your friends or those you talk to know that is the real you. Show the world that this is what you want and you are not prepared to compromise. Then just let people find you.

        I was lucky as I was flipping through my blog feeds I came across your post on pinkboard. I’ve subscribed now lol. Always happy to talk. Look after yourself.

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  3. Like the previous comment, I totally agree that dating is generally a disappointment. But you keep doing you. All the best xx

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